


Couldn't sleep

by Juliette1713



Category: Northern Exposure
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 18:24:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15443100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juliette1713/pseuds/Juliette1713
Summary: What if in Oy, Wilderness, that moment in the tent had gone a little differently...





	Couldn't sleep

"O'Connell? You still awake?"

Maggie groaned. "Oh what is it now, Fleischman? If you heard something again, it was probably the wind, again. Every animal in a ten mile radius has long since fled because of your incessant whining."

"So you are awake. What the hell was that about before?"

"It's about your endless complaining! You do not like sleeping outside, and do not see this tent as changing in any way that you are outdoors - message more than received. Okay? Now shut up and go to sleep. I need enough sleep to be able to feed and shelter you tomorrow night if I can't get my engine working tomorrow morning, and neither will happen if you wake me up every five minutes to remind me that you don't like this."

"Not that. You kissed me."

Maggie went silent. Joel rolled over to talk to the back of her head. 

"Why'd you do that? I tried to warn you that there were certain romantic implications to us sleeping together. I mean, not 'sleeping together' sleeping together, but, you know...this kind of nocturnal proximity. Sharing this tent. So what'd you do that for, huh?"

Maggie didn't say a word in response but her body stiffened next to him. He decided to push his luck. 

"What, were you dreaming about me or something?"

His gravelly, exhausted voice so close to her ear and his breath on the back of her neck made her involuntarily shudder. He chuckled to himself in response. "Guess so. Good dream, huh?"

"Fleischman, so help me...I need to go to sleep but I will not lay here beside you all night with you smugly assuming it's having any kind of sexual effect on me or infiltrating my dreams, so let me clear that up for you right now."

"Sexual? I never said sexual; I said romantic. You said sexual. Interesting, O'Connell, very interesting. So it was a sex dream, then, this dream about me?"

"No it wasn't! We kissed once, after, I might add, I finished telling you off for being such a helpless..." she trailed off, irritated with herself for walking into his trap and confirming there had been a dream, giving him details about it, however scant, verifying that he'd been in it, and that it had led to her kissing him. "Look, just shut up and go to sleep, already!"

"I can't. I'm wide awake over here. The ground is hard, I have nothing but this sleeping bag between me and tundra that's frozen most of the year..."

"Go sleep in the plane then, Fleischman, and leave me in peace and quiet so I can rest."

"C'mon O'Connell, tell me about this dream." Though his body was studiously maintaining its station on his side of the tent, his head was even closer than before, his breath tickling her neck and ear both now, sending shivers down her back as he spoke.

"It was a stupid dream, Fleischman. We spent all day and all night together so you've bored your way into my subconscious. It doesn't mean anything and isn't remotely interesting."

"Do you dream about me a lot?" She could hear the self-satisfied smirk in his voice, and she refused to give him the satisfaction of taking the bait.

"What is this, twenty questions time at summer camp? Want me to braid your hair next? Tell you about my first real kiss with a boy? Play truth or dare?"

"We can't get past the topic of kissing, can we? And now things are interesting, O'Connell, so I definitely can't sleep. Yes. Yes I do want to play truth or dare with you. Let's do it. You gave me my first question, too. Truth or dare - tell me about your first kiss."

"That's not even how truth or dare works, and I will do no such thing, Fleischman."

"What, did you kill that guy, too?"

"You fu - -" 

He cut her off, "Whoa whoa whoa, I'm sorry. That was totally uncalled for by me, okay? Look... I'm really freaked out, out here. I'm sorry I'm so terrible about this whole situation. I don't camp, and I'm nervous. I feel entirely out of control, and I can't deal with it. I...appreciate the...care you're taking of us...me." He stumbled over his apology, sincerity feeling so unnatural in a conversation with Maggie. "Really. I do. I'm sorry. I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about what might be outside this tent right now and whether we're going to get out of this situation and how hungry I am and so I'm filling the silence with sound. I'm good at that. Rambling. Filling silence. I'll try to sleep now, though. Sorry. 'Night."

She continued to lay next to him in silence. How did he do that with his voice? She went from sleeping to irritated to furious and now to sympathetic. Some rogue, unhelpful sector of her brain pointed out she was also a little turned on still, too, from the dream and his teasing voice and breath on the back of her neck. She forced her mind back on track to sympathetic caretaker mode and grudgingly answered his question. 

"Jason. Jason Nelson."

"Huh?" 

"My first kiss. Jason Nelson. Summer between seventh and eighth grade."

"You were, what, 13 when you had your first kiss?" He sounded surprised. 

"Well, first real kiss, yes. Why, how old were you?"

"Wait hold on, it's still my turn. What distinguishes real kisses from any other kisses?"

"I don't know, Fleischman! Is there a rule book on kissing I can reference, make sure I gave you the right answer? You just know, you know? It's a kiss that...I guess it's the first time you kiss someone and realize, wow, maybe there's something after this, after kissing, you know?"

"So little Mary Margaret got her first kiss and was immediately sold, ready to start rounding the bases with...Jason, was it? Wish mine had been that hot."

"So who was yours with?"

"Rachel. Rachel Adler. Literally the girl next door. I was 11, so I'm an earlier bloomer than you, I guess. I don't know if you'd agree it was real or not, but, like you said, everyone just intuitively knows what constitutes a first real kiss, and she was it for me."

"Who kissed who?"

"You don't get two questions in a row, O'Connell! But as a grudging concession to your outdoorsy hospitality, I'll indulge you. Then, you indulge me next." That same shiver went down her spine again with the way he said "indulge me." Had he said it that way or had she heard it and read something into it because of how close he was to her and the topic they were discussing? He continued. 

"So, let's just get this out of the way now. I didn't kiss her. She kissed me. Go ahead and laugh, get it over with."

Maggie did laugh. "So suave at such a young age, Fleischman. Progressive, though; let the lady take the lead. Wow, you've apparently always been passive. Why am I not surprised...this explains your attraction to bossy women, then? Interesting."

"Bossy? Who said anything about bossy? Maybe she couldn't control herself - maybe I'm just that magnetic, that enticing to the opposite sex?"

"At eleven? I really doubt it. I remember being that age, and boys were not so compelling that I couldn't control myself."

"So ol' Jason took the lead with you, then, huh? He still have both his..."

"Wait, you're not changing the subject yet - you didn't finish your story. The girl next door - presumably against her better judgment - kissed you...then what?"

"Then what? What do you think, then what? We married the following spring, O'Connell. What, then what?"

"Give me details - where were you when this happened, did you like her? Why didn't you kiss her first? What happened next? Paint a picture, Fleischman, tell a story. You've got me up in the middle of the night, entertain me."

"Okay...details. Well, let's see..." he trailed off, putting himself back in the moment from his memory. "She kissed me around the corner on the school playground. Off where the teachers weren't able to see, you know? It was a dare, I found out later. I didn't kiss her because I didn't know I even liked her until she kissed me. And then I developed a life threateningly serious crush on her for the rest of the school year, as a result of our furtive first kiss around the corner. Which, given that she was my neighbor, made the very acts of entering and exiting and living in my own home stressful. That about cover it for you?"

"No. Tongue?"

"What tongue? I said I was 11! We were at school! No tongue."

"It can't be a first kiss without tongue."

"Says who? And so can I infer yours was with tongue, then, Ms. Sexually Forward at 13? I already know you kissed him - with tongue - so what other details do you want to share with the class?"

"I didn't tell you I initiated it...but I did. But he initiated the...tongue thing. That was new to me. And there's gotta be tongue in a real first kiss. It's play acting otherwise. Like you'd kiss your mom."

"I don't kiss my mom on the mouth, O'Connell. And Rachel was plenty real, as kisses go, believe me. Can't we define a real kiss as one that awakens something in you for the first time? And not necessarily something sexual but something...something about romance. The world telling you for the first time there's this whole other layer, this subtext you've been oblivious to until now? That's what Rachel's kiss did for me. Saw girls, the world really, totally differently after that moment. I can still feel how soft her lips were. That and my abject fear are my clearest memories of that moment." He smiled to himself in the darkness. "Nice memories though...I haven't thought about that in a really long time..."

Maggie was quiet a moment again. Unexpected depths from Fleischman. "Wow."

"Yeah."

"Imagine if she'd used tongue on you."

"Oh shut up. That's my whole story so..."

"No - you're not done yet! One more thing. You ever kiss her again?"

"Naw...I, uh. I got braces that summer. On my teeth. I felt like, well, nobody that anybody would be interested in kissing for about two years, that's for sure. No. Never again with Rachel."

"So she's the one that got away, Fleischman? That's a very sweet story actually. Coming from you, I mean. Sweet and sentimental and...nice. Really. Surprisingly so."

"So how about you, then? Mary Margaret, defiling some poor otherwise innocent boy in the back of a Grosse Pointe movie theater?"

"Wasn't in a movie theater... stop guessing details. So Jason was the son of this guy my dad was mentoring at work. Came over a lot with his dad and we got banished to entertain ourselves while they talked shop or whatever they did. We used to have a ping pong table in the basement, and we spent a lot of time, got pretty good at that. So. So unlike you, apparently, I knew. I knew I liked him, and, boy, did I want him to kiss me. I did everything I could to orchestrate situations where he would, too. Nothing ever happened, though, and then his dad got promoted. All that time with my dad must have paid off. They were moving away so he could start up and oversee some new line of business, I don't really remember the particulars, just that he was going to leave. My dad did a send-off party, a cookout, and I decided it was now or never with this boy. So we played a farewell game in the basement, and afterwards I came around to his side of the table, put my hands on his chest, leaned in, and kissed him. He barely reacted. He looked shocked. Wide eyed. Like you did when you thought the plane was crashing. I thought he was going to run upstairs. So I leaned in again, only this time he'd figured out what to do and kissed me back. And, wow..." she trailed off and it was silent a long while. 

He tapped her a few times on her hip. "No way, O'Connell. I gave you a lot more than that! You owe me the rest of that story!"

"I do not! You told me about a chaste kiss on the lips in elementary school. That's not the same."

"I'm not as sexually aggressive as you clearly are. I told you it was my romantic awakening. That's incredibly private and revealing. You owe me!"

"I tell you this, you tell me your first time story in exchange." 

"First time? Oh...first...Elaine. College. Her freshman year. Her dorm room. I lasted maybe 10 seconds. She was disappointed. Ha ha ha, I'm inadequate. Okay, back to you and Jason in the basement."

"You've only slept with one person?"

"Jason. You. Basement. Ping pong. Tongue. Go."

She sighed frustratedly. "Okay. Fine. But we're coming back to that topic when I'm done." She noticed, after tapping her hip, he'd left his hand on her leg, his fingers curled past her hip, his index finger now making lazy figure eights on her upper thigh. His upper body, too, had at some point moved closer and was now flush against her back. She could feel each breath on the nape of her neck. It was giving her goosebumps even though it felt about 20 degrees warmer in the tent than when they'd been not sleeping a few minutes earlier.

"So he kissed me back while we stood there by that table. Then all of a sudden, it's like something exploded. Burst. In both of us. We went from you and Rachel to borderline porn in a split second. I don't mean in any way to imply that he took advantage of me. I was a very willing participant. In five seconds, the backs of my legs were against that table, and not too many seconds later I was flat on my back on top of it. We went from me timidly kissing him to him kissing me, tongue and all and a lot less timid, to lying on that table, his hands snaking their way up my shirt. It was...incredible really. I'm certain, to this day, I'd have gone all the way with him right then and there if...and I've rarely had another moment that was so..."

She stopped talking. Neither knew that they were recalling the same memory in that moment, both picturing that time in the kitchen of the Brick, when they were waiting for the ice to crack and things had accelerated so uncontrollably they'd been seconds from going at it on Holling's restaurant floor. In the tent, Joel's hand had slid up her hip and his fingertips were now under the hem of her shirt, grazing her skin ever so slightly. 

"Holy shit, O'Connell! That's a hell of a first kiss story. You win."

"Yeah...and then my dad came down."

"Wait, your dad caught you?"

"Yeah. Grilling stuff was in the basement, and he needed a flipper thing. Spatula. To turn the burgers. We didn't hear him on the stairs, us being so busy and everything. So Dad shows up, clears his throat. Jason's on top of me, obviously groping me, looking for all the world like a pervert taking extreme advantage of his little girl. I can't believe I'm telling you about this..."

"Then what?"

"Well, this part I remember the most clearly, out of all of this. As eye opening as the second half of that kiss had been..."

"Your eighth grade letter to penthouse experience?"

"Something like that. Well, so as 'hot' as that had been, as you so eloquently put it before, I remember better what happened after. I remember the shocked, disappointed look in my dad's eyes, taking it all in. I remember Jason's resentful, embarrassed face, knowing in that moment that this was going on record with the world as his fault...and he hadn't even started it. He skulked upstairs, and the cookout continued without me. I hid in my room, effectively grounding myself. I remember being in my room, feeling stirred up in more ways than I could deal with. Upset and embarrassed because of what my dad had seen. Sorry for making Jason look like predator. But really, I don't know, excited. Turned on, I guess. About what did happen and what almost happened downstairs. Realized what a powerful thing that could all be. The thing is, though, I always expected kissing to be like that after that. Rarely has it lived up to whatever happened that time with Jason, though. Usually because I'm the one to...nevermind. " There was a long pause. Joel's entire hand was on the skin of her side now, under the bottom of her shirt, pinkie finger tucked into her waistband to support the weight of his hand, which had thankfully stilled. 

"So," her voice had changed tone. "Elaine's the only girl you've ever had sex with?"

"Upon what do you base that assumption, O'Connell?"

"She was your first. You were engaged when you got here. You're trapped here, and I can't imagine who in Cicely you'd sleep with. And you're not the cheating kind."

"Oh, you assume you know that, too, do you?"

"Am I wrong? Did you ever cheat?"

"Hold on, hold on. Not only are you now asking me a third question when I've only asked you one, but that's really personal."

"More personal than describing your first time?"

"I described just about every person's first time, O'Connell. Every honest person, that is. Well, maybe not you, Ms. Penthouse. But most people don't see stars the first go 'round."

"No one's snatching life from the jaws of death the first time?"

"From the jaws of...oh yeah." He smiled at the memory of her dressed as Elaine in the cold outside Holling's bar. She had incredible recall if she remembered what he'd said that long ago. Or...

"How about it, then, O'Connell? Another trade. Your first time for whether I cheated on Elaine."

"First time's way too personal for details. I'll give you scant details like you did, and you'll have to be satisfied with that, okay?"

"I'll make do. Go ahead."

"17. Guy named Jonathan who was 21, older brother of a friend. Had a couple of drinks at a party specifically to get the courage up to get it over with. It did not last ten seconds, but probably no longer than a minute either, it hurt like crazy, and he called me 'baby' during which pissed me off. Oh. Backseat of my dad's car."

"Man, if I were a Freudian, I'd have a field day with how often your dad shows up in your sex life."

"Shut up, Fleischman."

"I'm sorry it hurt," he said softly.

She was thrown off. That's the detail he'd hung onto? And he felt sorry for her?

"What, the sex? This is one of the few things in my life that is not in any way your fault. Don't be sorry. I didn't expect it to be great. I just wanted to say I'd done it. And I did. And it didn't exactly put me off trying again. And again... So you cheated on Elaine?"

She had changed topics abruptly to get away from him giving her sympathy, pity, and he had to take a minute to mentally catch up to her.

"What? Yeah. No, no I didn't. Not like you're thinking, at least. I mean, cheating is kind of like kissing, I guess. Everyone has a slightly different definition of what it is."

"No they don't - sleeping with someone else is definitely cheating, regardless of how you justify it."

"I never said I'd slept with someone else."

"Kissing someone is too."

"Never did that, either. I didn't set out to do what I did. I wouldn't do that to someone I'd committed to. It's kind of cowardly, you know? Either you're with someone or you're not. But I've had feelings for someone else. While Elaine and I were together, that is. Not just feelings, either, but an overwhelming desire to act on them. Actually cheat, as you define it in your book, apparently. It was enough to make me question...and maybe I should have realized then. That she and I weren't gonna make it. If I could develop feelings for someone else - fast, too - like that, what did it mean about she and I?"

"Who was it?" Maggie's mind flashed back to a night in his cabin, a bottle of wonderful wine, firelight dancing on his face while they talked and bantered. She hadn't gone over there that night to seduce him, but she'd decided about halfway through that bottle that she was going to. She felt bad at the time; he'd been on the phone with Elaine when she'd arrived so she forced herself to forget that part. Chances were that he'd never see her again - she was probably a snobby New York princess who'd cut him loose anyway once it was clear he wasn't coming back to New York anytime soon. She remembered later feeling still worse when she met Elaine, befriended her, even, a little. She was unaccountably warm and sweet - a startling contrast to Fleischman. What she'd seen of him, at least, at that point. A different guy than the guy laying beside her now, telling her revealing things in the darkness. Making her toes curl just by talking... Had he considered sleeping with her that night? She all but told him she was his if he wanted her, and he didn't make a move. Was he about to tell her he had thought about it? Was she the person he thought he'd cheated with? She wasn't sure what she'd do with that information. Especially while he was lying next to her in this tent, his hand casually drifting across her stomach and his breath in her hair...

"Girl in my o chem lab."

"Huh?"

"O chem - organic chemistry. The bane of every pre med student to walk this earth. Complicated as hell, with a practical lab attached that's somehow even worse. Mine was 5 hours long, every Monday morning at 7 am. It's the physician equivalent of pledging a fraternity. Pure torture and you bond deeply with those you go through the experience with. Kelly, in my case. Perky, despite the hour and topic. Blonde. Blue eyed. Cheerleader type, but wasn't one. Brilliant scientist, actually. She went on to a PhD program in chemistry somewhere. She carried me through that lab. Studied with me outside of lab. Late nights in the library, we bonded, probably too deeply...you know the whole cliche. I never did anything, never acted on it. Never laid a hand on her. But I wanted to. Badly. I think she might have felt the same way. I thought about her often enough it felt like cheating. And my definition of cheating is if you think you're doing it, feel guilty about it, you are. If the other person would be hurt to find out. And so it was cheating. But I've only ever slept with Elaine. You're right about that."

"A one woman man, huh, Fleischman," she said, finding her voice again. 

"Well I hope to improve my track record someday, but yeah, just Elaine. So far."

That hadn't been what she'd meant, but she was eager to return to lighthearted titillating fun stuff and get away from the heavy topic of cheating. She'd been cheated on. A lot. Rick, and a long list before that. Punishment for continually falling for men who never took the well-worn traditional path in life. Settling for them and calling it spontaneity. Fleischman didn't cheat? Not just didn't cheat but had an incredibly strict definition of what constituted cheating. She realized he must be one of those guys that took forever to fall but when he did he fell hard and for good. That's not at all what she'd expected. Hmmmm.

"But your 'so far' is all there is for me to rehash and ask you about, though. Well, damn. Truth or dare with a guy who stuck with his teenage sweetheart doesn't sound like fun."

"Hey, I'm lots of fun. And it's not your turn to ask the next one anyway. My turn. I'll stay on topic, too - be 'fun'. Was Rick good in bed?"

She coughed, clearing her throat. "Rick? You want me to talk about Rick? Why? Why do you care? Why is that interesting to you? Why would you care what Rick does in bed? Did, did in bed."

His hand was still on her abdomen, fingertips tucked further into the top of her pants. His thumb was making slow circles on her bare skin, feather light in its touch. Was this absent minded or did he realize what he was doing? "You're right. I don't really care about what Rick did. You won't tell me about what I really want to know, so I'm asking about Rick hoping you'll slip up and tell me more than you intend to. I want to know what *you* are like in bed, O'Connell. Happy?" His mouth was so close to her neck now that she could feel his lips move against it as he spoke. His voice was very gravelly now, a half octave deeper than before.

She shivered again. Plastered against her back, he felt it this time. 

"Am I making you nervous, O'Connell? With my question? You were the one who wanted to talk about sex." 

"Absolutely not. You want to know what Rick was like? Fine. Quick. Unless he'd had a drink or two, quick. Not terribly adventurous either. Had a repertoire of about 2 positions. Hated me on top. Selfish, too, never checked to see if... you know. Not that it mattered, but the inquiry itself would have been a nice gesture."

"What didn't matter?"

"Well, you know..."

"I don't. S'why I asked." His words slurred as the sounds seemed to trip on his lips, which were now not-so-subtly resting on her as he spoke. Was this accidental contact while talking? There was no way he didn't realize he was doing this. Was he trying to make her nervous or something else entirely? She couldn't stand not to know what he was thinking, what was going on. Having to guess where things stood. She rarely found herself in this position with a man...and of all people, meek, nail-down-every-detail-before-we-act Fleischman was the one, making her feel like she'd lost control of the situation?

"It just never occurred to him that sex was a two way thing, you know. That just because one person...is having a good time, that doesn't necessarily..."

He cut her off hurriedly. "I'm changing my question. Did Rick the big burly pilot man ever give Maggie O'Connell an orgasm?"

"Fleischman!"

"Simple question, O'Connell. You were foundering there - let me rescue you, like you've done so often for me on this unwanted camping trip. Did he? That's what I'm really after with my question, you know. Where my prurient interests lie at this moment. So?"

"...No."

"Thought so."

"What do you mean, thought so? You've seriously contemplated whether Rick and I had satisfying sex before?"

He chuckled into her hair. "Maybe."

Her eyes flew open in surprise. "Maybe? You're not even going to defend yourself? Pretend you didn't? You feel okay Fleischman?"

"I feel great right now, O'Connell. Your turn."

"My turn? Oh, the game. Okay. Well. Since you're one woman away from celibate, that really limits my question choice...so...did Elaine always have them? With you, I mean." She was still really thrown off by his question. They were really dancing on a thin line, talking about sex like this in the first place, and then he had to ask about...that? She'd appeal to his arrogance and then tear him up when he claimed what she knew he would claim. Every time! Of course she did! I'm wonderful!

"Thanks, O'Connell, for clarifying. Always as in?"

"Always as in always, Fleischman. Answer the question."

"It's a vague question. But, okay, I'll try. I think you mean did she always...during sex? No. Actually rarely. But did she always...when we were...together...like that? I can't say always, but most of the time. Yeah. I may be helpless out here in the middle of nowhere, but I know what I need to do and I know my way around..."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I told you that question was vague! You asked me, or meant to, whether Elaine came every time. And the answer is not every time during sex but nearly every time we had a sexual encounter. I'm not claiming perfection. But I do capable job."

What the hell constituted a sexual encounter that didn't include...it slowly dawned on her, his meaning. "Are you telling me that you - repressed, sexually stunted Joel Fleischman... perform oral sex on women?"

She felt him grin against her ear. "That is what I'm telling you, yes. Not exclusively that, I'm pretty good with my hands, too, but yeah. I don't skimp on foreplay. It's all how you...jeez, O'Connell is it that an exotic a concept for someone as so...well traveled as you? Most women can't...you know, through sex alone."

"They can't?"

He laughed this time. "No. You've never heard that? Never, uh, noticed it? It's simple physiology. If you've got some guy just...plugging away down there, so to speak...well, you're gonna be waiting awhile, is all. A long while." It's quiet a moment. They both pondered the turns the conversation had taken to get them to this point. 

"Well, that was definitely not in Rick's repertoire either. Or really anyone's I've dated. Your turn," she said tersely.

"Wait, you've never had someone... You've never...

"'Seen stars' with a guy? No. And quit pitying me - it's not like I've never had one. I've had plenty. Just not with someone else." As soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted them. 

He bit his tongue to keep from calling out her inadvertent admission. The mental image of her...alone loomed up before him, and this time he couldn't hide his reaction as his breathing was altered. 

"And, wow, I have now definitely told you way too much this time so it's time for your turn," she said more forcefully.

"My turn what?" He sounded even rawer now, his voice a half whisper, despite being in the middle of nowhere with no one to overhear the conversation. He couldn't stop himself from kissing the side of her neck, his tongue making contact with her skin.

"The game, Fleischman."

"It's not my turn. I asked you about Rick for my turn. S'your turn." God, he was definitely kissing her now, nibbling, licking, kissing her neck. Subtly, gently. Like he was daring her to call him on doing it. He wasn't even bothering to pretend it was simply the position they were in at this point. His whole body was flush against the back of hers now, his feet tangled with hers, hand halfway down the front of her pants. Even if he'd wanted to hide what he was thinking at the moment, he couldn't, being so close to her. He seemed at least as turned on by this as she was.

"But... but then I asked you about Elaine...and you..." She couldn't think clearly. She never wanted him to stop kissing her neck like this...

"Mmmm...call that a freebie then. Physiological fact sharing. Medical advice. I'll bill you..." He spoke slowly, punctuating the sentences by kissing her - earlobe, her pulse points, her shoulder, now bared as he'd managed to pull her shirt aside at some point, then returning to the top of her neck. It felt like electricity shooting through her veins. The scales were tipping waaaaay too hard his direction. She was going to have to wrest control back from him, come hell or high water. 

"Okay, it's my turn, then." She stopped. Did she have the wherewithal to do this? It was dark. She didn't have to look at him while she did it. And she had to get back in control. "I'm not asking a question though. Dare." she said defiantly.

"Dare?" He couldn't mask the disappointment in his voice. He'd been enjoying - way too much - their conversation and was dreading her finally putting an end to it. If she thought she'd make him run out into the wilderness naked or some other stupid thing, he wasn't going to be happy. "Who's daring who?"

"I am, it's my turn," she said more forcefully. "I want to see if you can make me..." she trailed off.

"Make you...what? Wait, make you...?!? Are you actually asking me to...do that?"

"Daring you." An important point of clarification, if only to herself.

"Well...well that's a lot of pressure on a guy, there O'Connell."

"You said nearly always."

"And it was. Scout's honor. But... but... we'd known each other a long time. Lived together. This would be you and me...and...I mean, don't we need to set some ground rules? Something?"

"Rules? Fleischman, you idiot. I already tried to sleep with you once. I'm obviously not opposed to it, though I should be."

"You're not?!? Wait do you want me to...*and* sleep with you?!? Here?!?"

"Might as well, right? I mean, look at us. Hasn't that been your goal for a good while now? You're wrapped around me whispering into my ear, sucking on my neck, and you didn't think I would pick up on that or read anything into it?"

"You noticed, huh?"

"So Mr. Ground Rules, what was your plan, exactly, slowly but surely slipping this hand further and further..."

"I'm cold!"

"Your hand's not."

"See? Mission accomplished, then."

"Fine, we'll put a pin in my dare for the moment. Your turn. Truth, I'm assuming?"

"You can't just switch topics like that, go from propositioning me to..."

"Just ask me a question. It's your last turn."

"Okay...So assuming I *was* trying something tonight - not that I will admit that I was but...was it working?"

Maggie felt her face and body flush. Why was did this feel so overly personal? She had no problem stridently telling him she was willing to sleep with him. But telling him she'd let him talk her body into it, made her want it...

"Come on, O'Connell," he was whispering now. "Admit it, I need to know if you want this...I can't go any further unless I know," his lips moved from her ear to where her jaw met her throat and he placed a lingering open mouthed kiss there. She shuddered again. "You talk a good game when you're the one in control...when you're confident you've got me interested...and I am. Very." Another kiss, lower on her neck this time. His hand brushed across her abdomen and moved back to her hip. "But you won't admit that you want this, too? I think I know why."

He gently pushed her hip to the ground so she lay on her back. He drew his left leg up and across hers, pinning her so she wouldn't roll so her back was to him again. 

"I told you I wasn't opposed to it. What else do you want?" A pause. "And why?"

She felt him smile again against her throat. He kissed her where her shoulder met her neck, then again, higher, in the center of her neck, and around to the side that'd been hidden throughout their conversation. His chest followed as he stretched over to kiss that side, so he was now laying mostly on top of her. Each touch of his lips felt hot like fire against her skin. "I want you to want me even though you don't want to want me. The way I want you. Against all sense and reason. Deep down we are very similar people, O'Connell." Another kiss, back near her right ear this time. She could hardly think straight. "We both want to feel like we're in control. I know you think I'm doing this to make you crazy, tease you. I wish I were. But I'm not. I lost it about ten minutes ago, and all I can think about is running my mouth across every inch of you and how I don't know if I'll be able to stop even if you ask me. So before this goes any further I've gotta know... So you know, I've never wanted anyone more than I want you right now. Now how about you?"

"I..." He was trailing kisses, now, slowly along her jawline, his hand was in her hair, his leg still across her. She could feel him against her hip. She couldn't come up with anything to say so he continued talking. "This isn't about either of us getting one over on the other. We're just very different in how we process spontenaeity. You pretend you love not knowing what's next but really you just torture yourself with second guessing afterward. Me, I torture myself ahead of time, trying to plan for every possible eventuality. Setting clear rules and boundaries. I can't do this if you don't want to - if you're going to be angry we did it later. I think you want this. You say you do. Tell me I can stop overthinking this. And...for my sanity...is this just..."

"What? Just what?"

"Just sex? Or can I can kiss you?"

"You are kissing me."

"No I mean really kiss you. Mean it?"

Of course, the man who just minutes before said he'd cheated because he had a crush he never acted on, who remembered an elementary school peck on the mouth as a romantic awakening - of course a kiss meant something to him. More than sex, somehow. She contemplated what it might mean to her. It hadn't meant much coming from the men she'd kissed, for the most part. Maybe kissing someone who felt like like Fleischman did about it would be different. And what about if he went through with making her...I mean there was zero control on her end if they went that route. Could she face him? It was one thing to have sex and quite another to let him... Nearly always, though, he'd said, though, and she smirked in the darkness. It was tempting. And it was dark. They could hardly see each other anyway, so when it got awkward they could pretty easily pretend to be somewhere or someone else... They still had to wake up together tomorrow, though. 

He was kissing her neck again, back by her ear, his stubble scratching her as he moved, which caused her to shiver again. 

"I'll use my tongue." She couldn't help whimpering a little in response. 

He laughed. "Such a dirty mind...I meant when I kiss you. You said before it didn't count without..."

She decided not to fight it anymore and cut him off. "Okay, Fleischman. This counts. I want you so badly I can't think straight. And I'm changing my dare. I dare you to kiss me. And we'll just see what happens after th..."

That was all the invitation he needed. He crushed his mouth to hers, cutting off the words still tumbling out, putting his knee between her legs to move all the way on top of her. She felt something explode inside. It was like the kiss in Holling's kitchen. Like that 20 seconds with Jason in her basement. His hands were on both sides of her face, and she wrapped her arms around him, across his back. They kissed frantically, as his hands slid down her body and hers came to cradle his face. He gripped her hips and rolled them over, pulling her on top of him when they'd turned. She straddled him and leaned back to yank her shirt over her head. He followed her up, unwilling to break contact with her until the fabric being pulled between them forced him to.

He exhaled hard, finally able to breathe. "Oh, Jesus, O'Connell! I'm sorry!"

"What for?" She was breathless and having trouble concentrating on formulating words.

"I taste blood in my mouth. I think I bit you. Or maybe you bit me. Are you okay?"

"I don't care."

Her mouth was on his again as they fell back to the ground, her shirt and bra tossed aside.

Still kissing and frantically running their hands over each other, she fumbled for the bottom of his t-shirt. She pulled it up, and he lifted himself to allow for its removal, their mouths breaking contact again. He moaned in protest and she put her lips to his neck after tossing his shirt aside with hers.

He pulled her closer to him and they came back to the ground. They kissed, their mouths hot and eager on each other. She was the next to have to come up for air, and he took the opportunity to drag his tongue down her neck, kissing her collarbone as his hands slid down to her breasts. Then he kissed her again and again, slowly moving down her chest with each one as he moved beneath her. He kissed between her breasts but kept going without lingering, on a mission. She could only hear herself breathing loudly and the sound of his lips on her body. It was sweltering hot now and their chests were both slick with sweat. Her hands went into his hair, gently tousling it as he kissed down her center, grazing her upper abdomen, belly button, and on downwards. Wait, was he? Already? He came to the waistband of her pants and stopped.

He was going to back down, she thought. She figured he would but couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. 

Instead, he slid his hands down to her hips and rolled them over again, so she was lying on her back with him above her. "Sorry, I know you like being on top, but I gotta be, to do this. We can switch back after, I promise." That was oddly sweet, she mused. He kissed her abdomen again and hooked his thumbs in her waistband, ready to draw it down. She put her hands on his, stopping him.

"Wait, when did I tell you I liked being on top?" He nipped her skin in response and started to slide her pants down. "Wait! Wait." His hands stilled under hers. "It's just...are you sure Fleischman? I was really just teasing you, you know about... doing this? You don't have to..."

He drew her hands to his mouth, kissing them. "Dare's a dare, O'Connell, and I'm certain you don't believe I can do this. I'm always eager to prove you wrong. And you have no idea how badly I want to do this..." He kissed her fingers again and moved her hands back into his hair, grabbed her pants, following her waistband down as he slid them off of her. 

He tossed them aside and then kissed her ankle. His hands slid slowly up her legs, parting them, lifting her left to rest on his back as he moved. There wasn't much room in the tent, but he'd make it work. His mouth stopped every few inches on his tour up her body, kissing her knee and then higher on the inside of her thigh. She still heard herself breathing raggedly. Another kiss, still higher. She tried to steady her breathing. This was incredibly...

"So...uh... I'm gonna need some direction here," he said, penetrating the silence, lips moving against her inner thigh. She couldn't believe he was talking to her. While doing this. Or about to. It made it next to impossible to pretend this wasn't him, them, doing this.

"Gosh you're chatty," she said, sarcasm dripping from her voice. "Directions? Why, Mr. Always? I thought you knew your way around."

He laughed and kissed her leg again, his tongue lingering much longer this time. "Almost always, and I do. But I'm...new here, and I'm not a mind reader. I'm not asking you for an endless narrative. I just need you to give me basic directions, you know? Up, down, left, right, more, less. That kind of thing. I don't want to be doing something that's not working for you."

He needed constant conversation and feedback during this? Why was she not surprised? Then again, how mad could she reasonably get when he seemed genuinely focused on making sure she... 

"Look if you're uncomfortable, you don't have to say anything - you can just yank my hair if I'm doing it wrong. I'm sure I'll figure it out. Might take a little longer. Believe me, I don't mind..." He kissed her again, higher still this time. She involuntarily drew in her breath in response. This felt very good. Too good. And he wasn't even really there yet. But he was close. She could feel his breath hot on her, his lips now at the junction of her body and leg. "You ready?" She took a deep breath, determined to respond.

"Fleischman, are you going to check in at every step of...ohhhh!..."

She gasped as his mouth first made contact, fisting both hands in his hair, pulling him harder to her. She had never, ever felt something like this. Her muscles tensed up so hard she sat halfway up. He gently snaked a hand to her stomach, urging her back down.

"Relax," he mumbled, pulling back slightly and kissing her inner thigh again. 

"What, you're done?!"

"O'Connell! No...You just seemed a little overstimulated...too much too fast. Let me start again."

"I didn't say it felt bad..."

"Good...I can do better though. " He kissed his way back again, slowly. His hands were there now, fingers touching her gently first so when his mouth joined them, it was less of a sensory overload. 

Without thinking, her hands guided his head as he deftly moved his mouth on her, using lips, tongue, even teeth, varying his pressure and speed as her hands gripped and released his hair. She couldn't imagine what she sounded like, unable to quiet herself. 

This was absolutely incredible, she thought. And she thought his mouth felt like fire before...

He came up for air, inhaling a ragged breath against her thigh. "This going okay...baby?" He asked, laughing a little. "Sorry, bad time for a joke." She gave his hair a sharp tug in response but it was all she could muster in protest. For the first time in her life she had no fight in her, no desire to settle the score with him. She was absolutely at his mercy. "Okay, ready?" He kissed her lower abdomen and put his mouth back to work. Twenty seconds after he started touching her again, all at once, something else exploded within her. She was sure she'd made some kind of a noise, half moan, half yell, that she could barely hear over the sound of her pulse racing in her ears. She felt her limbs, her whole body, really, tense up, and her eyes squeezed shut. She swore she saw stars for a few seconds, possibly from tensing her eyes closed so hard. Once she regained the ability to move, she took a deep wavering breath and stilled and relaxed her legs. "Oh my God."

"Ouch!" Came from his voice from below. "Damn, your legs are strong, O'Connell." He slid up to put his head beside hers, wiping his chin on his bicep as he moved. "I thought you were going to crack my skull for a minute." He was breathing hard too. "Good God, O'Connell, that was..."

"Wow," she said, without really meaning to. Then she remembered who she was talking to, as her logical brain woke up from its stupor. She tempered the compliment. "Not to stroke your otherwise inflated ego but that...that was not bad, Fleischman. Not bad at all."

His breath tickled her neck, laughing as he nuzzled under her ear. "Fair enough, not bad. You...though, you were amazing..."

"*I* was amazing? I just laid here. You did all the work."

"That was the single hottest thing I've ever seen in my life."

"Oh come on, it's dark. You didn't see anything."

"Fair point... hottest thing I've ever witnessed...wow."

She was having trouble focusing but she'd be damned if she left him knew just how much he'd affected her. No better way to change the subject than to get them started with part two.

She rolled over so her chest was on top of his. "Well, fair's fair. You delivered on your end, so let's..." she slid her leg up his, kissing him as she moved.

"Whoa, whoa, hold on a sec," he broke the kiss, sounded a little panicky. 

"Fleischman, what? Are you having another crisis of conscience about this? I can't possibly imagine that you feel we need to stop, again, exchange permission, and set ground rules again at this point, given what we just did. At the risk of adding more fodder for your arrogance, that was also the single hottest thing I've ever done, and I definitely want this and owe you in return. So if we could just go ahead and start screwing each other's brains out in this tent as a follow up, I'd really appreciate that and frankly I think you would too." She slipped the rest of the way on top of him, straddling him.

"That's the thing though. I need...a minute."

"Why? Your mouth is that tired? You're sure talking just fine again."

"No, but..."

"What, then? Oh...oh! Really?!?"

"I was on sensory overload, okay! I mean you...and those noises you made and...and your hands pulling my hair...and it's been awhile, okay? And you've been winding me up all night."

"I have not! You were one the clinging to me like a wet shirt."

"Fine but you didn't exactly push me off of you. Look, it'll be better this way anyway. I'd rather this last longer than ten seconds."

"Hmmmm" she made an amused noise "Well, let's see if I can help you hurry this recovery process along." 

She leaned forward, capturing his lips with hers. Then, mirroring his earlier actions, she kissed and nibbled her way down his throat and then chest. She continued down, feeling for the tops of his pants but not finding them. 

"When did you take those off?!"

"After I took yours off. When I was on my way back up."

Her mouth was in position now, her tongue snaking out to touch him teasingly. He'd clearly rebounded in the time it'd taken for her to slide down his chest. "Presumptuous. I didn't even notice you doing it."

"You were busy..."

"Sneaky. Very nice, Fleischman. You *have* done this before."

"Oh my God," he moaned as she moved her mouth onto him, taking him inside her, her hand sliding up his upper leg as she did, the other supporting her weight. "This feels amazing O'Connell... you know you don't have to feel like you need to reciprocate...ohhh... really...I just need..."

She raised her head in frustration. "Do you ever stop talking, Fleischman?"

"Sorry, sorry."

She started again, slowly. He was appreciatively quiet for about ten seconds. 

"Wow, you're good O'Connell. Really oh! Really good. The thing is, though, if...ohhh.. if we're gonna..."

"Okay, that's it. Lord help me, all this talking. Your punishment is that I'm done doing that now."

"O'Connell!! Come on..."

She slid back up to kiss him. "I think you'll like this just as well anyway." They kissed slowly, less urgent and almost sweetly, she noted with some alarm. She moved on top of him, positioning herself above him as she sat up on her knees to get a better angle. She aligned herself and made contact but then stopped, stilling herself.

"What's wrong?" He sounded concerned and sat up, wrapping his arms around her. "You okay? Oh wait, do we need to use a...not that I have anything here..."

"I'm on the pill, it's fine. Yeah... but no... this doesn't feel right..."

Unable to mask the disappointment in his voice, he said, "Oh. Okay... Hey that's okay. We don't have to..."

"Fleischman! You have zero sexual self confidence for some reason. Believe me, after your performance a few minutes ago, I want this. Badly. I was just thinking...I don't want to be on top."

"What? I thought you liked that."

"Normally I do, but tonight is clearly not about normal....Look, the thing is, you had total control over me before and...wow. I think I liked that. A lot. Losing control. Letting you read my body and do what you want. I want you to..."

He rolled them before she could finish her sentence. His mouth was on hers again, a harder, almost bruising kiss. No hint of sweetness behind it this time. He slid his hand between them and positioned himself and entered her in two quick strokes.

She stifled a moan as he moved inside her. He didn't bother to quiet his. Her nails raked his back, and her legs curled around him. He moved quickly, and she urged him with her feet on his lower back.

After a bit, his pace slowed. He moved to kiss her neck again, languidly moving from ear to collarbone, his hands moving all over her body. Her hands were in his hair again, gentler than before, just moving through his locks. 

"I wish I could see you," he breathed as he moved. 

"Wow you just keep talking."

"Like you're surprised. What did you expect?"

"None of this... be glad we can't see each other. I'd never have let you go down on me if we could see. Or do this."

His mouth was on hers again, and then he moved to kiss her right ear. "Why?"

"Is this really the best time for this conversation? Why? Too personal, that's why."

He laughed. "My mouth on you wasn't personal enough, regardless of whether you could see me?" He kissed her again, and his pace quickened. He slipped a hand between them. 

"It's not me seeing you do it, it's you seeing me when I came. Oh...ohhh"

His hand found its target, eliciting her moan. "I told you, you were hot. I'm sure you looked even better than you felt and sounded, too." He circled her with this thumb, pushing harder this time. Another moan. Her legs went slack and fell from his back to rest on either side of them.

"What are you...ohhhh...what are you doing? I thought you said women couldn't... from sex..."

"Sex alone, I said. This isn't sex alone, this is sex and me, trying to remember what I was doing when you almost killed me with your legs earlier. I just decided to see if I can run the score up on you a little here. And, look, I might need your help again so just tell me if I find the right..."

She exhaled a half scream, her legs clamping hard again around his hips, still moving between them. 

"There we go," he said, putting his mouth back to her shoulder, biting her as if to hold her in place. Her breaths were shallow and panting, her body flooded with feeling as she came. His pace became frantic and, then, his erratic, his hand still on her between them. All control he'd had was quickly lost and he soon finished, as her leg muscles began to relax again around him. After a minute, he moved to lay flat on his back next to her, kissing her lips gently before settling at her side. It was quiet maybe 30 seconds, and then...

"O'Connell?"

"Are you kidding me... yes, Fleischman?"

He kissed her again on the lips. "Aw, aren't you sweet?" He said sarcastically. "Hey I promise I'll shut up soon. I'm sorry again....I know I bit you this time, I don't think I broke the skin though. I kind of lost it for awhile there, getting permission to boss you around seemed to really do it for me, imagine that. Hey good news though - I'm a whole lot less annoyed about camping now. Really though...I just wanted to tell you...I...that was incredible, O'Connell. Again. I told you before, you're amazing. I'd say 'thank you' but it doesn't seem like the right sentiment so..."

"Hey," her tone was soft for a moment, "That really was wonderful... beyond what I pictured, Fleischman. Honestly... I've never had someone be so...intuitive and attentive. I feel really...but you're right. Thanks doesn't seem like right thing to say here but I'm not sure what is..."

"O'Connell, I'm not trying to make us uncomfortable here. We don't need to talk a bunch and exchange...I promised to shut up. Let's... let's get some sleep. Hey, now I've got a great sex story for you next time we play truth or dare." He leaned to kiss her cheek softly, then laid back and closed his eyes. "'Night, O'Connell.

"I told you, that's not how you play truth or dare."

"Well, I loved it."

"Just go to sleep." She smiled, rolling onto her side, facing him this time. Had he meant to use that verb? She nestled her head on his chest, in the crook of his neck, kissing him there gently and closing her eyes. She felt him fall asleep next to her, minutes later, as she recounted with disbelief just all that happened since they'd started this conversation. Not too long after that, she was asleep too, her arm draped lightly across his chest, his hand back on her hip, wrapped together in a sleeping bag in their tent in the middle of nowhere.


End file.
